Some of you have heard this story before. I feel it’s only fitting though that I share it during this week as we are celebrating London. This is a story I wrote back in 2012 about our journey to having a child. I wrote this a few months after we found out we were pregnant.
Last night one of my favorite shows returned- Giuliana & Bill. I absolutely love this couple- I admire them for everything they’ve gone through and their positive attitude. I admire them because they are willing to share their journey- which is such a private thing- to the entire world. I admire them for their courage and willingness to move on with life through all of it’s ups and downs. Most of all I admire them because I understand their struggle.
Last week we told the world-aka Facebook- that we were expecting a little one in February. But, what the world didn’t know-aka Facebook- is that at this same time last year we were getting ready to go through our first round of IVF. We have struggled with infertility for 3 long years and unless you’ve been through it yourself you have no idea what it’s like.
At first you think it will happen, there’s no way this is happening to us. You go through test after test and doctor after doctor. But, as time goes on something inside of you changes. I have always considered myself a very positive person and nothing really gets me down. However, after about 2 years I hit my breaking point. There’s only so much a person can take. Plus, it doesn’t help when all of your friends around you are getting pregnant. Don’t misunderstand me- I was so extremely happy for each and every one of them but as they are telling me their wonderful news, a piece of my heart was breaking inside.
We spent much of 2010 doing tests, looking at our options, and taking medications for a natural pregnancy, but none of this worked.
We started off 2011 going through 3 rounds of IUI inseminations which were unsuccessful. I remember each month thinking this is the month and every month turned out the same. With me crying in the bathroom when I knew it didn’t work. I feel like the worst part was having to tell my mother it didn’t work. It’s like I was letting her down or something. I knew she wanted a grandchild so bad and she was always so positive about the situation telling me it will all work out, but I still felt horrible.
After the unsuccessful IUI’s we decided to take a break. We decided we would enjoy the Summer without any testing or medications and just have some fun. So, we took a trip to Europe, drank wine on the patio at nights, and just tried to put the situation out of our mind.
Our next step would be IVF and we wanted to wait until the end of the Summer to begin. I was very excited to do IVF- I thought this is usually successful right? But, for some weird reason in the back of my mind I knew it wasn’t going to work. I just had this gut feeling but I wasn’t saying it out loud. We started with the usual 30 days of birth control then two weeks of shots at the same time every night. Then comes the retrieval and insemination. The doctor didn’t get as many eggs as she was hoping, we only had 4 and the quality of the eggs wasn’t very good. By the time we went to do the insemination, one of the eggs had died so we only had 3. We decided to put in two and freeze the other one. Two weeks after the insemination we found out it didn’t work.
They say there are 7 stages of grieving a person goes through after a loss in their life. It’s only until recently I realized I went through those 7 stages. I am a different person now and I look at life in a whole new way. My bond with my husband is unbreakable now and I know there’s no other person in the world I would have wanted to go through this journey with. I look at his courage and dedication over the past 3 years and am amazed at his strength. He is truly the best person I know.
It took me until May of this year to realize what had happened and to accept we might never have our own children. Ironically enough- two weeks before I found out I was pregnant, we had gone to an adoption seminar and were ready to sign the papers. Then a miracle happened. We got pregnant naturally. People say God does things for a reason and I am not sure I understand why we’ve gone through all of this but hopefully one day I will. All I know is that after 3 long years we are getting our little miracle. Thank you to all of my wonderful family and friends for their support but most of all thank you to the love of my life.
Reading this again is still a little emotional to think of all we went through. There’s not a second that goes by where I am not incredibly thankful for London. Even when she’s having meltdowns for no reason at all. We love you London Rose more than you’ll ever know.